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Still Growing

My hair started to fall out.

And when my hair started to fall out, that’s when I knew I was under some serious emotional stress. I wasn’t eating or sleeping— I was just lying in bed all day. And when I wasn’t thinking about the relationship, I was thinking to myself, “who am I? Like, who am I?!”

My boyfriend broke up with me in the first week Sydney had gone into lockdown. In any normal breakup scenario, I would’ve distracted myself: see friends, exercise, go out, get drunk. But during lockdown, all I could do was stay at home. I did text my friends for a bit, and I tried to get them to message me back to fill the void, but then I stopped. I didn’t want to burden anyone, you know? It felt like I couldn’t really rely on any else. Like, I’m the only one inside my head, hearing my own thoughts, feeling what I’m feeling. I drank a lot too, pretty much every night in my room. My parents didn’t even know what was wrong.

It’s getting better now. I’ve been watching a lot of videos on YouTube, like TED talks about relationships, self worth, and self improvement, and yoga and guided meditation—which have been helping me cope.

Looking back, I’m glad I was forced to face the heartbreak the way I did. It hurt as I was peeling back the bandaid, but now that I have, I can see that the relationship was really toxic. I compromised and sacrificed a lot of myself in it and I think that’s the main reason why the breakup affected me the way it did— because I didn’t know who I was anymore.

But I’m working on it. I’m still growing. 


Written by: Mary Tran (Guest Contributor)

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